When I found out I had been nominated to be one of the Twin Cities Top Ten Titans in Social Media, my first thought was: what the fuck am I going to wear? In my life, this is code for: I am not cool enough for this.
Last year, people like Kate Iverson, Dusty Trice and Rachel Dykoski were nominated (and won). Those are big shoes to fill.
This year, the list of nominees includes people who do far more than I do for social equity, social media and society in general. People who devote themselves to making a difference and are very much part of the Twin Cities: people who really are titans and deserve to be recognized. Me, I just come and go. I don’t feel like I belong in this company.
There is no way I am skipping the event tonight though. It’s at the Rogue Buddha Gallery; how could I miss that? But I suddenly felt awkward.
The great thing about Social Media is that I can hide behind my profile pic. The one where you can’t see my double chin.
So I’m feeling a little anxious about the whole thing. I never know what’s fashionable, and even if I did, I wouldn’t fit in to it. I am, kindly put, overweight. My sense of style could be described as “eclectic” : meaning, I wear stuff that I like, as long as I can find it at Lane Bryant. Meaning: my hair is currently multi-colored black, white, purple and orange. Meaning: for the last 10 years I’ve worn the same pair of lace-up black platform boots that, if I were in movie, would mark me as “alternative.” Like Lisbeth Salander from The Girl Who Played With Fire, but fat. And not punk.
What to do?
I am a middle-class American woman, so the solution is easy: new shoes.
My boots are old anyway. If I could find a slim, shiny pair like other women wear, maybe I will feel comfortable in the room full of cool people that I am going to encounter tonight.
Things are busy right now: I’m in finals, my writing is getting some national exposure etc. etc. and the only time I’ve had to get boots is today. Since the thingy is at 7 and it’s 5, that would be…now. But I’m not at DSW Shoe Warehouse trying on shoes that will make me fee cool (enough).
No such shoes exist.
I admire and am inspired by other people, but I have to get over trying to fill their shoes. I can’t. And I don’t need to.
I am neither slim nor shiny. I’m just me.
I will go to this hip, ironically named and likely awesome gallery and talk to cool people I admire, and I will do it in my scuffed, clunky, out of date boots. I will feel sexy and awesome in them. They fit me just fine.